by Luthos the Dragon » Wed Feb 23, 2005 3:36 pm
KIWI BEER RATINGS
BACK
DB Draught, Lion Brown
Value - 4/5 - Mid priced beer fairly much mainstream and has got much of the national market by the balls.
Taste - 3/5 - Nice smooth beer goes down well but will more than likely bloat you more than an arseful of oxygen.
Personality - Average Joe - Mainly working class and a high consumption beer drinker. Will probably have tried a lot of beers but will remain faithful to one much like your women.
Canterbury Draught, Speight's
Value - 4/5 - Fairly much the same but the advent of the Speights 5 litre keg has revolutionised the market. God bless them.
Taste - 4/5 - Bloody nice really, certainly moistens those taste buds and primes you up for a big night on the piss.
Personality - Southern Man - You're most likely hard working and one of the lads. Women are your life only second to Rugby. You can't be seen at a Christchurch or Dunedin sporting event without a can of these beers in your hand.
Lion Red, DB Bitter
Value - 4/5 - If you like cheap beer by the keg full, then this is your go. Is often pretty cheap because it tastes like shit.
Taste - 2/5 - If you like Auckland tap water then this is the expensive and more lethal version. If your drunk and can't find anything better to drink, then your life is in your own hands.
Personality - Once Were Warriors - If you've seen the movie you'll know what I'm talking about. A few too many of these and you'll be enjoying the luxurious surrounds of a police lock-up. Caution these beers are not sponsored by Family Support Services.
Steinlager, DB Export
Value - 2/5 - If you drink in moderation and want to pay the same amount for a coma's worth of other beer, here you go. This beer is for gold card owners exclusively.
Taste - 3/5 - Quite tasty and so it god damn should be for the price you pay. If you're looking to get shitfaced on this stuff, you need the services of a financial advisor because you've got too much money.
Personality - Every Man's Dream- You have cellphone, yacht, a box at Eden Park at more than likely a buxom blonde on the arm. Either that or you're a try-hard wannabe who is drinking this stuff to impress you're female office executive.
The Hard Stuff
Vodka ,Gin
Value - Standard, $30-$40 bucks a bottle unless you're cheap and go for the nail-polish remover imposters.
Taste - Petrol, Meths, Turps, they've all got the edge on this shit. I'm afraid if you've resorted to drinking this stuff you should have had the lead role on Leaving Las Vegas.
Personality - Country Club Lady - Although Bond has the odd Vodka Martini, no man will ever measure up to him so give up the charade. This liquor is better left for women because let's face it they've never had good taste.
Rum, Bourbon
Value - Standard as well. Even the cheap stuff tastes better than Vodka & Gin.
Taste - Harsh but refreshing. You can't get that furry tongue feel with any other spirits. My pick of the bunch and is most likely not to KO you early in the night.
Personality - Average Joe - Often a soft beer drinker who gets bloated easily. Will probably think that because your sucking on a Bourbon that your are the hardest bastard in the room and that no-one will mess with you.
Scotch Whiskey
Value - Get out the credit card because these babies are expensive. However if you drink this stuff like a fish and don't appreciate its fine qualities, you're wasting your dough.
Taste - Bring me a glass of water please. This stuff is like liquid fire pouring down your throat.
Personality - Mr Class - Men like this don't come around often. They're probably the types who sit alone in a bar and are fending off multitudes of gorgeous women because they just don't have the time. If not your most probably an alcoholic bum lying in a gutter.
Miscellaneous
Shakers, Shooters
Value - Extensive range and a variety of tastes but well worth a sample. Best value when a mate has broken up with his girlfriend and needs to be written off quickly.
Taste - Fruity, milky to the down right disgusting you get them all. It doesn't really matter you still look all class.
Personality - Trendy Clubbers - Most likely in a group and need a shaker to grab the attention of the chicks in the room.
Alcoholic Soda
Value - Not on for a male to be spending money on a drink like this when a litre of beer costs the same. Any male drinking one of those will have their sexuality questioned.
Taste - Quite tasty but a males drinking heritage only allows him to drink the bitterest stuff available.
Personality - Sensitive New Age Guy - Most likely drinking this because it tastes good not looks good. This means that you are very secure with your identity or are out with a group of chicks.
If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you!
Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy bum , wake with stinky fingers!
Carved Upon My Stone, My Body Lies But Still I Roam...